Last week I wrote about fetishes, which are a very specific kind of sexual preference. But what about our turn-ons more generally? Why does one woman like it slow and sensual while her sister wants to be thrown against the wall? Why might a person want to gaze into their partner’s eyes during sex, while that partner prefers to close their eyes and focus on the sensations? Why do people like candlelight or dirty talk or tying up or exhibitionism?
The short answer is, we are all impacted by biology, how we are brought up, and the world around us (also known as biopsychosocial). But I will break it down into three main categories: the bonds of attachment you formed with your main caregivers when you were very young, conditioning in childhood and during important relationships, and your personality.
This article will explain attachment. I will cover the effects of conditioning and personality on sexual preferences in my upcoming articles.
Attachment theory basics
Your attachment style, either consistently or in the moment, is associated with what kind of sex you like or want. I don’t want to get into an in-depth summary of attachment theory here, as I think it has been overdone in popular sources. Because attachment styles can change depending on the relationship you are in and over time, I am cautious about overgeneralizing from how someone feels the first time they learn about attachment theory.
What I think is more useful is to be in touch with how you feel in a specific moment, and leverage that to support your understanding of what you might need at the time.
But here’s my shortest version: The types of bonds that a baby forms with its main caregivers help shape how they approach their adult relationships. This can manifest in a more anxious style, where you are concerned your partner might leave you, or a more avoidant style, where you create distance between you and your partner. You can also have neither and be secure, or have a combination of both.
For more information, I trust the brief overview by Psychology Today. For a lengthy review, regardless of what kind of relationship you are in, I like Part 1 of Polysecure.
Your attachment style and what kind of sex you like
I’ll assume at this point you know the attachment basics. Attachment style doesn’t predict sexual preferences, but it can be informative.
Studies have indicated that more securely attached people are more open to sexual exploration and to a wider variety of sexual activities. They generally take pleasure in physical contact.
More avoidant people have shown more interest in aggressive sex, or having some interpersonal or emotional distance.
Meanwhile studies demonstrate more anxiously attached people seeking more intimate gestures and affection during sex. The anxiously attached like cuddling, kissing, and touch more than their avoidant counterparts.
One study specifically looked at the impacts of negative partner interactions on the sexual fantasies of anxious and avoidant individuals. The researchers followed 48 couples over 3 weeks. They found that on days when their relationships were challenging, anxious partners reported fantasies about being helpless or humiliated; for avoidant partners, images of escaping reality came to mind. The study used a broad definition of fantasy as any sexually arousing mental imagery, no matter how fleeting.
What this means for you
I have seen these tendencies play out in many different ways in practice. “Aggressive sex” can look like rough touch, lots of physicality, or animalistic noises, not just BDSM. Escaping reality might be fantasizing during sex, or being in a position like doggy style where there is less personal interaction. More intimacy may be long and slow foreplay, eye gazing, or enjoying spoken words like “cherish” and “precious.” Being helpless can be as simple as giving your partner control of which position you do next, or can be an elaborate role play. Role play works for escaping reality as well.
This in no way means that you can figure out someone’s attachment style purely by what kind of sex they like. Rather, if you notice certain attachment tendencies in yourself, you might want to experiment with some of these behaviors.
I’ll cover conditioning and sex next week!
Sarah is a sex and intimacy coach who teaches people to speak up honestly for their needs while still respecting their relationship. Learn more about working with Sarah here.
I like that you’re not turning attachment styles into a neat little explanation for everything. Sexual preferences are so much more complicated than “you like this, so you must be avoidant.”